July 2008
3 posts
Wildlife Safari
Though intended to offer a glimpse into what an actual encounter with rare wild animals in their natural habitat would be like, all drive thru wildlife parks are actually a much more accurate portrayal of an encounter with the not-so-rare ‘American sausage arm’, whose natural habitat is hanging out the side of a Suburban throwing food pellets at an emu.
Relationship Pancakes
The relationships in your life are a bit like a batch of pancakes. The first one is always a bit munted.
*Theory by Bec
Guitar Hero Underpants
Citing the blatantly obvious, manufacturers of Guitar Hero III themed underpants, which prominently feature the games most “recognizable” characters along with a flaming guitar in the crotch region, didnt even bother to produce any pair below size 3XL.
June 2008
6 posts
Discount DVDs
On any shelf promising ‘3 DVDs for $9.99!!’ you will find one, if not all, of the sequels to AirBud.
Evil Cardinals
If you are an evil cardinal in the Middle Ages plotting either to usurp a king or rise to the papacy via dastardly means, all your backhanded negotiations and dealings must be done while walking briskly through or standing menacingly in the hallways of a torchlit underground dungeon. For further evidence and example see Exhibit A (otherwise known as Tim Curry in The Three Musketeers).
Chocolate Skittles
Knowing full well that the mere idea of chocolate flavored Skittles would gross out even the heartiest of competitive eaters (and the fact that M&Ms already exist), the Mars Corporation made sure that all available packages of the product were sold right next to the register; the strategy being that bored people in line, unable to resist their most masochistic of culinary urges (the same urges...
Top Chef
No one in recorded history has ever sat down and watched just one episode of Top Chef.
Mariachi Bands
There was/is only one original Mariachi band, and they wrote a solid 12 track album. Since then every Mariachi band that you will ever hear covers that one original band. This would explain the undeniable similarities that you hear when listening to such music, i.e. the same exact songs with different voices.
*Theory courtesy of Grason
May 2008
13 posts
Pelle Almqvist
Long thought to be the product of its geographic position relative to the sun, Sweden’s 6 month winter is actually caused by The Hives’ frontman Pelle Almqvist, who is forced to syphon off half of the country’s daylight to fuel the intense power of his nonstop rocking.
NPR
If you are at a sports/boob/meat market bar and you are arguing with someone about whether Terri Gross is a journalist and whether Carl Kasell is god or not…. maybe, just maybe, you should have stayed at home and watched “Prairie Home Companion” and went to bed at 10 instead of going on that pub crawl. *Theory courtesy of Tess
Secret Girl Boot Camp
Unbeknownst to the male gender, at the age of eight all girls are flown to an island off the coast of Costa Rica to attend a boot camp where they learn skills such as making oatmeal-avocado face masks from scratch, magically wrapping their hair up in a towel, and shooting guilt from their eyeballs. This is kept strictly secret from the male population, who wonder how females universally know how...
Asscracks, the Companion Study
The converse of Devin’s theory from May 9 is even scarier. Due to the rise in low-rider jeans and the fall of self respect by teenagers, imagine, especially as a teacher, how many asscracks have been forced into your line of site. That number seems to grow exponentially every year. *Theory courtesy of Brett
Cosmo
If Cosmopolitan Magazine continues one-upping themselves with their “naughtiest Q&A yet,” by the year 2015 they will publish a Q&A so naughty that every one of their readers will send themselves to a very non-sexual time out. *Theory courtesy of Zach
Monkeys
In addition to liberties such as debating the comparative merit of X-Men movies on company time, making snarky comments about customers’ clothing, and grazing on unpurchased BunchaCrunch from the checkstand, Blockbuster employees should be given the legal ability to slap anyone attempting to rent a movie whose cast features a monkey in people clothes. This of course does not apply to the...
Asscracks
There is no conclusive way of knowing how many people have seen your ass crack, but regardless of who you are or what kind of life you lead, the number is staggeringly high. Note: Thought of this while staring at a classmate’s coin slot during Political Science 203. *Theory courtesy of Devin
Chic-fil-a
The reason that notoriously secular chicken nugget juggernaut Chic-fil-a is closed on Sundays is exactly what you would think; all employees are transported, via a series of pneumatic tubes connected to every restaurant, to a giant underground mega-church beneath corporate headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. Outsiders are rarely permitted, especially for the most venerated part of the service -...
Free iPods
If the number of opportunities to WIN A FREE IPOD!!! continues to increase at its current rate, then by the year 2010, every human being will own at least one. *Theory courtesy of Meg
Starbucks Featured Music
The magic 8 ball that Starbucks corporate headquarters uses to decide the descriptive adjectives on their ‘featured artists’ display has been stuck on the word ‘soulful’ for the campaign’s entire existence. Neither customers nor employees have ever noticed a problem.
Highlights in Science
Though largely devoted to the furthering of theories on natural phenomena, occasionally this blog will serve as a way to draw attention to work being done outside the confines of this lone corner of the internet. Hence, the first installment of ‘Highlights in Science’. Today, we turn our analytical gaze here, to discover why in the study author’s own words, Gnarls Barkley is...
April 2008
20 posts
Car Stereos
The people with the best stereo systems always have the worst taste in music. i.e. blasting gangsta rap so loud the trunk of your ‘92 Dodge Neon rattles in time with the beat. And it’s never the O.G. “straight outta compton” stuff, it’s always the “candy shop” bitches and bling shit. There’s a reason that douchebag was shot 7 times. *Theory and...
Pandora Internet Radio
Regardless of what artist or song you request on Pandora Internet Radio, it will recommend Third Eye Blind. And it will always be right.
Airplanes
Though often attempted with disastrously obvious results, an airplane is the only place where it is scientifically impossible to execute the ‘discreet ball scratch’.
Acousti-Rock
The mention or inclusion of any of the following things will guarantee a ten fold increase in sales of your next acousti-rock record: Hawaii/surfing Linen pants Guy with dreadlocks who plays the djembe Wind/Solar/Good Vibes-powered recording studio Promise of a sloppy frat house makeout (Implied)
Peanut M&M's
The amount of time it takes to consume a large bags of Peanut M&Ms is inversely proportional to the amount of time it sits unopened on your kitchen counter. A bag which remains unopened for only 2 hours may be consumed at a leisurely pace and possibly even shared. A bag which was partially hidden under the electric bill and some tupperware you were too lazy to put away and only...
Ted Turner
Decades ago, a freak electrical storm threw Yosemite Sam from his animated home into our world. With his newfound free will, he changed his name to Ted Turner and decided to shift his primary focus to more media-related business and less liftng-himself-into-the-air-by-shooting-his-guns-into-the-ground.
Office Chairs
The annual budget per employee of any organization is directly correlated to the thickness and depth of permanent sags in office chairs. R = .92 *Theory courtesy of Zach
A Theory on...Well, You Decide
I have a theory that sitting at home and drinking several glasses of chilled white wine while watching Masterpiece Theater’s adaptation of “A Room With a View” does not, in fact, make you gay. It just means that you appreciate a little high culture now and then. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Besides there’s nothing wrong with watching a PBS retelling of the works of the...
James Carville
James Carville is a real life example of what happens when you spray mood slime on a painting of a demon. This is why Wolf Blitzer once accidentally called him ‘Lord Viggo’ on air.
Cornrows
If your scalp will sunburn between the cornrows, you should not have cornrows. *Theory courtesy of Libby
Dead Kennedys
The Dead Kennedys never actually existed. Years ago, a clever patch company conceptualized the now famous band and its iconic ‘DK’ logo, manufactured thousands of ass-flaps and buttons, then sold them to suburban, middle class, trust-fund ‘punk rockers’. Others from the same clique saw the logo and then assumed it had to be credible since a) they had never seen it and b)...
A Theory on Authors
All Science Fiction writers are old, male, have too much hair, and wear eighties-style glasses. (Truth: Working at a library, you see a lot of pictures of authors. Authors are not very attractive, as a general rule) *Theory courtesy of Eileen
Lunchables
It is scientifically impossible to look cool while eating a Lunchable. *Theory courtesy of Winona
Black Hole
Previously thought to be the product of gravitational collapse in a star, the astronomical phenomenon known as a black hole is actually created when a mac user (here designated ‘MU’) only uses his mac computer to talk about mac computers on the internet. The event horizon (or point of no return, i.e. infinite escape velocity) is passed the first time the MU utters any variant of the...
Whiteness Deduction
The level of whiteness of a group of two or more people can be deduced as follows: W=(P - B)(bm)Sinθ Where, W = resulting whiteness of sample population P = total number of persons regardless of race B = total number of black people (note: if B exceeds P, a negative result for whiteness will be achieved. This is desirable) b = beverage consumed (measured in crunks) m = music (measured in hotness...
Cream Cheese
Due to a reoccurring and flagrant shipping error, every bagel shop in the world receives 30 times the amount of cream cheese they ordered from the distributor. In an effort to remedy this, they slather a comical amount of cream cheese on every bagel, thinking, “We just have to get rid of these last few buckets. Surely this can’t happen next month…”
Romantic Rights
Mathematically speaking, the theortical curve concerning how many different remixes of the song Romantic Rights Death From Above 1979 can and will make approaches infinity.
Office Ladies
The world isn’t held together by a Grand Unified Theory, nor by God’s divine plan. Our shaky balance of existence is actually maintained by the collective efforts of every office lady across the globe, whose jobs (which include among other things: organizing, collating, sighing to show inconvenience, and debating the merits of various contestants on ABC’s hit Dancing With the...
Morley Safer
Morley Safer is actually a 6000 yr old Babylonian wizard. He wears a crystal around his neck that sucks the life from his interviewees and lives in a ziggurat in the sewers of New York City.